Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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