I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Less talking, more tequila
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize