I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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