Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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