I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
