I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
