Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize