Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
