The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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