the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
