My liver just broke up with me...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
