I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
