A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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