Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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