At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're a waste of cheezeits
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
