Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
