Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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