you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
