she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
