My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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