Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
