matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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