So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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