I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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