The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
