I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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