let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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