fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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