I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
