tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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