textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
