It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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