Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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