I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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