you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
