the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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