I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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