i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
