It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
