Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
