Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
