Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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