how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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