I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize