did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
