I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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