i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm having to shit out rocks
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
