I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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