So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
