so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
