it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
