If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My cat gives me a boner
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
