my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
