Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
