My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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