got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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