Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize