Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
