does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
