I think my vagina is haunted
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
