my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
